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Summary of Question:	Wedding Night?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 11/29/2002 7:25 PM MST

i realize i have a silly question but i really don't know where to go for an answer. this has nothing to do with sikhism but more with indian culture (i am a sikh girl in need of an answer). well- this is how it is:

my friends and i were raised in the usa as very good/innocent indian girls. we share our parent's views and mentality about arranged marriages. i am completely cool with the arranged marriage system. anyways... my question is not about getting married. instead, it's about the wedding night. ahem, is there an expectation to become intimate on the first night? the reason i ask this is because in so many hindi films, the girl is always seen sitting on the bed in her bridal attire waiting for her new husband. i would like to know if guy's expect "it" on the first night. and if they do expect it, would it be outrageous to say "no" or "not yet?" i do realize a decent guy would respect you and your wishes but still.... i'd like an honest perspective from a guy's point of view (an average guy- not just the guy with the halo over his head).
seeing that i am on the brink of marriage-
the only reason i would tell my husband no or not yet is because of the way i was raised. in my view, even if the guy is your husband on the first night, he's still a stranger in so many ways.
so do guys expect it or not? and how would they interpret or react to "no."

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Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

God bless you, girl, for writing in. Your question is not silly AT ALL. It's a great question. So let's go.

OK - first - it isn't about what the guy expects. It's about your comfort level. The first time a woman is intimate with a man can be an uncomfortable experience if not handled really well. And in so many ways - you have to be in charge of this. You have to feel totally comfortable and ready to give yourself. Which means that you need to know the man enough to desire the intimacy.

It is perfectly normal in arranged marriages for the couple to wait some time -a few days to a few weeks - for the two people to get to know each other well enough to really truly enjoy the experience of making love. You can take it slow. Kiss if you want on the wedding night and nothing else. Or just talk until you're ready to kiss. But you set the pace.

Let the wedding night set the tone for the marriage. If you can honestly communicate and be mutual about when and how to make love with each other - that sets a precedent for honesty and mutually communicating about other aspects of the relationship. But if you "give it" because it's "what's expected" even if you're not comfortable - first, it won't be an enjoyable experience for you and that will have repurcussions and second, it will make it difficult for you to express what you need in the future.

So - feel free to ask for the time to get to know him and wait until you're ready. Trust me - your enthusiam is 90% of the fun. So - it will be much better for him if he's with someone who is willing and happy to be with him, instead of someone performing a duty.

Hope this helps and good luck.

All love,

GPK