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Summary of Question:Are We Even Gonna Meet? -2
Category:Love & Marriage
Date Posted:Thursday, 12/04/2008 9:39 PM MST


Below is the question I posted on Sikhnet Question Forum sometime back and the reply I received. Followed by the reply I have written what my current situation is. I donot know what to do, I asked Guru Ji and something asked me to post on Sikhnet. So, here I am.
Please help.
Previous Question

Ok, I have thought sooo much about this but cannot find an answer.

I fell in deep love with a Ragi( who came to a gurudwara sahib close to where I live in May this year), well, it didn't happen straight away, he taught me and my sis kirtan and I took and loved him as my best friend, I shared every thing with him and ho is just so nice,honest and truthful. he always gave me encouragement and confidence whenever I felt kind of giving up on studies at uni and things in life in general. I want to mention that at that time I use to call him veer ji coz I couldn't call him by his name so yeah and I had real, sincere feelings in my heart at that time. slowly, I opened up more to him and started talking about things like marriage and friends to him and family back in india as lived in a joint family back there and things that were not good, like people back bitching about each other ETC ETC . I even discussed what I wanted my "husband" to be like. I want to mention this too that I never had any boy friends at uni or at school so many guys asked me out, but i always believed in like u know "being a good daughter" and "listening to parents" n all that. When he(ragi, whom i fell in love with) was teaching us kirtan i don't know when and how both of us fell in love with each other knowing the fact that he was engaged when he came to the place where i live( i don't reside in India) but he used to tell us that he engaged this girl only because his mother wanted him to, and at that time he also use to say that though his thinking does not match with the girl whom is engaged with but he will merge his thinking for her and he wants the same from the girl. After, one month( and in that one month i met him every single day learning kirtan from him and just talking to him, all felt just so beautiful and perfect and complete), I started talking to him even more like even on the phone( mobile) and he proposed me and I felt as if I got exactly what I wanted. And without thinking for even a single sec I said yes coz I had feelings for him too, and I even told my sis that he is exactly the guy i want for me. I didn't think that he will be going back in a month's time or so and he is engaged to some one else. I was so happy that I fell in love with such an awesome human being coz he understands me and that's exactly what I always wanted, he knows what I think and how i want things in life and etc.
so, yeah i did say yes to him and that time was just the best time of my life. We talked more on the phone and things went on, he said he will tell his family about me and everything that happened when he gets to India and try to explain things to the girl(engaged with ) to make things work in his and my favor. I was in so much pain when he left for India( I never thought about that day while saying yes to him) and I was totally in depths of despair. I mean just imagine talking to a person u love so much all day and night and suddenly all has to stop, he is not even near you, no one to encourage and support and love you and all. so yeah he got to India and told his family abou me then was the big job of convincing the girl's family but the whole drama occurred and they never agreed and didn't even let him talk to the girl neither on phone nor in person.
Another big thing is that, he came to the place where I live through one of the baba ji's associted with nanaksar gurudwara and the girls family went to that baba ji. Then the baba ji talked to him and his family and ordered them he is going to marry that girl saying things like we are sikhs and we must respect women and think about that girl who u engaged with and many more things. He (Ragi I love) cried and even told the baba ji that he fell in love with me while he was away on the place where I live. But that baba ji said that he will say sorry to me "mein us kudi ton hath jor ke maufi mang lavan ga, tu ragi hain tenu samajna chahi da hai" and all that. When he told me about all this I felt so sad, it felt as if no one thought about me. Even i awaited my whole life for that person and when I have met him no one will let me marry him and be his. Ok so he had to marry her and I still remember i was calling him every 5 mins on that day( I was always really excited about "LAWAN" and my own marriage and my dreams just shattered that day, I kept saying i will never talk to u again coz u will be some one's husband and I am not yours any more. He did not sleep at his home that night and went to a friend of his and told him everything about me and him so that he does not take a wrong impression of him. So basically he never slept with the girl and "I believe him" on that. The girl went to her parents house next morning according to traditions and he left for Aussie on 3 months visit to a gurudwara sahib to serve. He never spoke to the girl and touched her. I could not stop myself from talking to him and I still talk to him. It is so challenging, I mean i am in uni last yr doin engineering,assignments, projects, research and stress of finding a job, i haven't found a job yet. I believe I didn't do anything wrong, I haven't told my parents about this, I thought if I find a job at least it would not appear that I did things in love craziness or something, but haven't found a job either as yet. It is so stressful and when i talk to him now i shout and talk in a loud voice which he does not like. He still gives me love and tries comforting me on the phone but i really feel if he was with me it would have been a lot better. I want to mention that I accepted and in my mind, heart have accepted him as my husband. I love him so much, I cry ,I do path and he tells me to keep faith in Guru Nanak Dev Ji and trust him. I love Guru Nanak he always take care of me, then why do I loose confidence and become so impatient? He is planning to get divorce from the girl as he is very good friends with girl's brother and told him that he never wanted to marry her and wants to marry some one else. It is so complicated and I just want my life to be happy. It gets so scray sometimes thinking bou my family, and the extended family they r just gonna kill me for sure. But why can't i choose what i want in life?
Please guide me, why do i loose confidence in Guru Ji, i know he is with me all the time why do i get stresses so easily? I want to like a normal, believe in Guru ji and give him all the strings. Am I DOING ANYTHING WRONG? OR HAVE I DONE THINGS WRONG?

Please guide and thanks for your patience.
My dear,

You are blessed. Accept this challenge of pure love.

Also, this is so much for you to carry without having ever spoken to your parents.
He obviously is from a very orthodox family where he did not feel free to make
a personal decision. So, may be that time needs to come for him to heal his situation as he lives independent of his family in Australia.
Also, consider if you were the girl he married? This is a triangle of heartbreak.

Please talk to your parents and get their love and supportive direction.
In your innocence your love for Guru and shabd became identified with this man.
Direct your love and longing to God and Guru who are the doers of all. You will find your love and live in grace.

Try reciting the shabd of Arjan Mal (son of Guru Ram Das or Guru Arjan Dev when he was a young man)...MERA MAN LOCHE GUR DARSHAN TAA-EE............." fOUR LETTERS. Let it heal the pain of your separation and bring fulfillment and great
love and expansion. Read the story of how this 4 stanza Shabd was written...Max MaCauliff ...The Sikh Religion. Recite it daily for 31 minutes or eleven times.
Heal your wounds and fulfill your love in grace.

Bless you,

Ok, the situtaion now is that he has till date not touched his wife. Due to some reasons( which I cannot explain),his family business got destroyed and the his family is separated. He is living at a gurudwara sahib doing sewa and kirtan and tried every thing possible to get his business back but nothing worked. He's been through such tough times, there was a situation when he had no money and no place to live, he was basically on the road but I was encouraged him and was with him through out because I love him and care about him. When he is sad, I am sad. If he is happy, I am satisfied that at least he is doing things in life. He never ate at right time, didnt go to sleep at right time.

After seeing him go through so much, I just couldn't tolerate and told him to go to his wife and also promised that I will always be with him. He went to meet the girl's family and they had no problems with him coming back to their daughter, but he came back at night and when I asked him why didnt he stayed there,he said my heart didn't allow me.

I don't understand where we both are heading, I spoke to a girl friend of mine, she said its wrong, just stop it right here, tell him to go to his wife and start his family. She told me to cut all ties with him and just stop calling and talking to him. I mean, I just cannot do that. He is one person who I love the most after my Guru Nanak, I understand that these are all worldly ties and we must rise above all this. But may be I am not so strong, I love him, how can I just forget everything. I have imagined my whole life with him and just with him, Now thinking about someone else just shakes me and at the same time I donot want to betray the person I'll get married to, its not his fault, he will want everything from me, support, love, affection everything that a man would want from his wife and I don't want to live a fake life. I want to be true to myself, my guru and my life partner. The person I am in love with gave me so much love and just everything, I shared a bond with him, and you know I was so happy that I will walk on the path of Sikhi with him. I dreamt of going to Harmandar Sahib with him and having a small home and you know. Where did I go wrong. I never think bad ever for my worst enemy even in my dream. I always asked for good for everyone. But I don't know what to do now. Human emotions cannot be so free and small that I can just forget him like a dream and start a new life all over again. People say theres more fish in the sea, but I love him, love means something. My love is not for money, sex or all the riches in the world. I just want him to be a part of my life, the most essential one.

I feel so bad for his wife and sometimes think what if I was her, I would have just gone mad, She is surely very good and a great person. I respect her and at the same time jealous of her if he talks to her. I call him every single day, I don't have a huge list of friends and you know he tells me everything when he talks to the girl or her family. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to forget him he gave me so much and how can I just throw him out of my heart, I cannot.

What shall I do, I do Sukhmani Sahib path and try to connect with Guru Nanak, I know he is with me. But I feel that I want the person I am in love with.
I want to spend my life and get old with him.

Thank God, I passed all my exams with good grades, I don't know anything, Guru Ji did my exams.

I haven't told my parents and I am not going to for sure. In a nutshell, I just don't know what to do, Can you please guide me.

Help please.

I will wait for your reply.

Dear one,
You are thickheaded and stubborn and you are acting like a mad woman.
You are foolish and ignorant and your karma is garanteed.
You are a woman defiling her God given power to "open the lips, and sink the ships".
YOU MUST END THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW. DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. YOU HAVE NO SELF CONTROL AND YOU SAY YOU ARE DEVOTED TO WAHE GURU. Let him alone and he will adjust. You, my dear, have the power to uplift and exault yourself and your future. There is no exaulted future built on the ashes of another woman's marriage. It will all come back to you.
Tuff yourself and LISTEN TO ME. I gave you the advice but your are committed to your duality and kam krod lob moh. You will always be in confusion until you do the right thing. Love is blind. Be a GRACE OF GOD and leave this another womans man. Attach yourself in your pain to Wahe Guru and go through it WITHOUT him!!!!

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