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Summary of Question:	When Enough Is Enough..
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 5/14/2007 7:58 AM MDT

Gurfateh,

I'd love to go into detail about my problem, but I don't think words can really grasp what I've been through..

I have been on and off with a girl for the last 3 years..infact, for the first 2, we were just "friends"..there was no intimacy between us, but there was always a romantic element (qualities in one another which we both found attractive)..

However, I NEVER wanted (as much as I was attracted to this girl) to be with her because I felt she was a mismatch..we have totally different thinking spiritually and mentally..infact, there are elements of her which I found rather disturbing..as a practising Sikh it was hard for me to deal with her bad habits (intoxicants, etc) but I accepted them because I loved her..

In short, I have found myself backtracking on my spiritual life in order to accomodate this relationship..my reasoning was to love this woman like no other, and to free her from pains that she had experienced in life (romantic but very dangerous, I know)..clearly, I have learnt that I can't fill those voids in her life..and rather than appreciating me, all she seems to do is push me away..

She is, by nature, a very hot tempered woman..and, naturally, as I was deeper into bhagti, it became harder to relate to this woman..therefore I backed off from bhagti to be on the same wavelength as her (sad but honestly true)..It's really hard to explain but the truth is, I have given up almost everything I love for her..but the last straw was when she said that she disliked my mother even though she has been nothing but nice to her (and she was quite open about it)..

Her tears, this time, have not made me weak..they have angered me..I feel her tears are in vain..and had she truly loved me, those words would not have left her mouth..(it's become a habit for her to say and do bad things, and then apologise/blame it on her past)..normally, I would forgive her, but where do I draw the line?..when does a man have to be a man and actually draw a boundary?..

Because in the past, I told her that hitting me was the worst/most disrespectful thing she could have ever done..but she managed to do that..and recently, she insulted my mother (which, everyone knows, is a no-go area..especially when that mother is going to be your mother in the near future)..

The question is, do I stick to my word and marry this woman for the sake of "respect", or do I respect my own wishes and dreams and pursue all the things that made me happen prior to getting into this relationship..be it bhagti, music, weights, etc..more to the point, despite the romance that led up to the relationship (it was very divine), do I accept that some things are not meant to be?..and ultimately, that we cannot be together if she does not love and respect me..?

I feel like I have nothing more to give/offer this woman..she has taken everything out of me..and it seems she has done nothing for me..sure she cooked nice meals, brought me medicine when I'm sick, and she has made an effort to control her temper etc but apparently ALL women do this for their men..it's a woman's nature..perhaps I'm hanging onto small things because I can't or don't want to let go..and the truth is, I haven't been with many women..she's infact my second girlfriend (my first was when I was a teenager)..I'm in my late twenties so perhaps I'm not looking at the bigger picture..that there's a whole world out there..experiences..things to learn..people to meet and see..etc etc..

But do I dwell and stay with her for respect and because the way we got together was so divine..or should I be selfish and think about my own life and the things (apart from her) that make me happy, which she, ultimately, has taken away from me (she is a very demanding, controlling person)..??

All advice would be much appreciated..

Akaaaaal Hi Akaaaaal
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reply
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Dear one,
The answer is so obvious. I will ask you a question. If you have a poisonous snake in your bedroom...would you welcome it into your bed even though you know it is going to kill you? Probably you would grab a stick and throw it out the door.

I know this is not so extreme, but your emotions have you tied to a very self destructive situation.

Have some self respect. Basically in the laws of the WEST which you followed by becoming involved with someone so different in values and training than you, you have NO committment to this woman. Your honor was gone when you started becoming intimate outside of marriage. Our faith requires that you not become intimate until you make the committment of walking around the Guru with the Sadh Sangat in Anand Karaj.

This is not a relationship of love or honor. Sorry to be so stong, but if you do marry all the difficulties will become 10x worse. Why to hang on to this? There are so many wonderful Sikh girls everywhere.

Finally, it is challenging enough to walk a path of faith and devotion. The Guru states to do this succesfully surround ourselves with people of faith, the Sadh Sangat, so we can stay strong in our devotion. In conclusion, please leave this non relationship and devote yourself to the Shadbd of the Guru (rather than to any girl). This is your honor and your committment.

Do not be in any relationship until you are more respectful to your soul and your devtional nature. Be a good Khalsa. And also add a Shabd for happiness to your daily practice.."MANGALA SAAJ BHAI-AA PRABH APANAA........." recite full shabd (find on SIhnet in shabds for printing) eleven times a day with full devotion for the next 90 days.

Everything will come together.

SKKK