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Summary of Question:	I Feel Like I Have Lost Everything Of My Life Including Waheguru..Please Help
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 7/12/2002 9:28 PM MDT

Khalsa fateh.

I am really very happy and thankful to you guys for making such a program to help out people like us. Its really great experince to read all those question and answers beacuse most of then go with my life too.
Today i am here to ask you for help as i have lost the most precious thing of my life and that is my LOVE. I am 17 years old girl and i am deeply in love with a guy . Everything was going on soo good and perfect in our realatiionship and i was really thankful to Waheguru beacuse he gave the person i dreamed of in my life...We both know each other since 1 year . But we did something which is completely against Sikhism. I tried to stop it but it wasnt in my control and neither with him. I really felt shameful for what we did.Its even hard for me to talk about it but if i dont mention it , then you wont be able to solve it. What we did was that we had oral sex few times.
I tried to stop that alot but it didnt work out. He said that nothing will happen and thats just a way we both express our love to each other. And for some reason i beleived him but i was still feeing guitly about it .
And now he told me that i am not the person he loves , he just likes me as a friend but he loves his ex-girlfriend. I told him what we did doesn't happens with 2 friends. THen he said that whatever happened between us was past and i should just go on with life. His ex-gf cheated on him but even then he says that the way he felt for her..he never felt that for any other girl.
And now after all this..i am so depressed, its like i have lost my self-respect and i am not "Pavitar" . Its like i have lost everything , i feel so embarrassed and guilty to even to go gurudwara. I can't face my Guru either. and I still want him back beacause i have him my soul. I gave him the right which a girl only gives to her husband and before giving this right to any other guy i would prefer to kill myself.
He says that he still wants to be with me beacuse he knows that he can't go back to his ex-gf as she lives in a different country and there is noway they can ever meet.He was like..i have a specail place in his heart but i can't take the other girl's place..i dont know what to do and what not to do.
I love him and want him back at every cost.
Please help!!!! i want my Waheguru and my love too..i dont wanna loose anyone of them.
Khalsa Fateh.

(REPLY) I hope you will try to understand what I am going to tell you. It is sad, but true, that you have been exploited and used in the name of "love." this is a sad mistake that women make, thinking that men feel the same way that women do about love and sex. To a woman (or a girl) "making love" is an expression of a romantic feeling, whereas to a man it's just satisfying his physical urge. Women throughout history have made fools of themselves over men who use them, then dump them. Yes, you made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world, and it's not the end of your life. God and Guru don't judge you or ever turn their back on you, it's you, yourself who feels guilty, and at the same time, you are living in a fantasy where you still think this boy is "the one" for you. Wake up! He's already told you he cares for someone else, but since she's not around, he's going to do you a favor and be with you! Good grief! Take hold of your self respect and stop this relationship NOW! It's only going to lead to more heartache. However, I assure you, you will get over it. You need to focus your life on your education, and on studying the Words of the Guru. Not just going to Gurdwara as a ritual, but finding translation of Siri Guru Granth Sahib, or at least Japji Sahib and the other banis so that you can understand what life is really all about. It's NOT about satisfying our passions and desires. Within marriage, there is nothing wrong with sex, in fact it should be one of the joys of marriage, but for now, you need to stop wallowing in self-guilt and self-pity. It is also true that there have been some of the worst sinners in the world who have ended up becoming saints! -- because they changed their habits! How you live your life from this moment on is what matters, not what happened yesterday or last week. You can change your life, and you can be happy, so long as you realize that happiness comes ONLY from inside YOU, not from some other person. What you think of today as love, I assure you, is not! It is dependency, attachment, and emotional entanglement. Someday, I hope you will be blessed to experience true love, and to have it returned. Meanwhile, you have some growing up to do. Facing reality is not easy, but it is the sign of maturity. Remember, God lives and breathes in you. SAT NAM -- the eternal Truth is your real identity, and every time you inhale, it is God reaffirming His love for you, His presence in you. Be grateful for this life, and the opportunity to learn the karmic lessons your soul chose to work out on this planet. "When things are down and darkest, that's when we stand tallest! ... It's not the life that matters, it's the courage that you bring to it." May God bless you and Guru guide you on your path of dharma - righteousness so that you can be healthy, happy, and Holy. SP