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Summary of Question:	I Lost My Love
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 9/05/2004 10:23 PM MDT

Sat sri akal....

I hope someone really answers my queries...dunt know if i have any questions but i do know that i have lost everything. I also feel as if God has ditched me.
I have been with this guy for seven years now...im 22 years old, he is 24.
We have been through alot of ups and downs. I live in an asian country and sometimes i feel as if, if he didnt enter my life, i would have been spoilt and probably a slut by now.
We both have mande mistakes....he is flirted with other girls, so have i.
Recently, the same things have been happening again....and i resorted to drinking and smoking, despite swearing upon babaji that i will never do it again. I also went to another guy...for attention, both emotional and physical.
I have lied alot....really alot.
My boyfriend has always kept my izzat. He has never bad mouthed me to anyone, despite knowing that im taking my freedom for granted now,(we are both studying abroad now.)
He told his mum about all the bad stuff i did...and i just cant believe it.
Im so scared to face his mum now...im so scared that his mum will call mine and my family will have no face anymore. My dad is really strict and im scared now.
But most of all....im scared now that i have lost him.
I know i have.
This is my final semester, i can sleep at night, i cant study and i cant get up for classes. I want to ask him for forgiveness, but my words are valueless for the amount of lies that i have spoken. I wanna ask forgiveness from babaji, but im scared that even he wont listen to me anymore.
I dont even dare ask forgiveness from mum and dad, coz they have always forgived me.
PLease help me...my boyfriend says that im a manupilative bitch who is cheap, who doesnt have any values. but some part of my heart is still defending myself.
Maybe thats human nature to defend ourselves, but i dont wanna do that anymore. I wanna change....but i dont see any hope in myself anymore. NObody's going to ever forgive me for what i did.
I pray to god at night and tell him to take my life away becoz i dont deserve it. But im scared to die at the same time. I have no one in my life right now. I feel like a walking vegetable. all i wanna do is cry and mutilate myself and starve and punish myself to the maximum.
I wanna scare myself so badly so ill never ever think of making that mistake again. I dont wish to make any mistake again. But im so scared that i will. I dont know who i am anymore.
I dont know why i pray, i dont know who is listening to my prayer and i im scared. I really feel like dying, but im scared. My boyfriend was a gift from babaji to me. i killed and destroyed the gift. I realy want him back....but i know that its never gonna happen again. Im so ashamed of even asking babaji to help me get him back.
All i know now is that im scared....ill never stop loving him. Im so sorry i lost him. PLease convey my message to GOd that im really sorry and that i deserve all the punishment in the world.
Preeti.
(REPLY) Sat Nam. You are so confused, and so upset and it is understandable. You have made major mistakes in your life, and you are living in your emotions and not paying any attention to your REAL SELF, which is observing all this behavior, and wondering why you don't focus on the real purpose of life, which is to realize that you are a Divine being, temporarily living in a human body, using a mind and experiencing emotions. You keep thinking that God and Guru are separate "people" who can fix your life. Well, YOU have to fix your life, and stop wasting time! What you need to do is forget about your "love life" for the time being, and get up early in the morning, take a cold shower, read your banis, and pray for guidance to live up to your highest potential. The past is gone, you cannot change what happened, but what you can change is your future, IF you make up your mind, and use your will to live as KHALSA. Do you know what that means? Read all the links on the SikhNet website and learn about your religion, it is a WAY OF LIFE, not just a ritual. It is a way of understanding the meaning of life, and getting the most joy out of your time here, not just temporary pleasure. Espcially, study Guru Nanak's words in Japji Sahib, plus chant to Guru Ram Das, the Lord of Miracles (DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR) and pull yourself out of this quicksand of emotion that you are in. You have to decide to give up feeling sorry for yourself, and DECIDE to be happy, and if you do, you will be! God has not "ditched" you, because you're not getting the emotional satisfaction that you want! God lives and breathes in you! You need to honor that. ANG SANG WAHE GURU is the Truth. Blessings, SP