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Summary of Question:	Family Pressure
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 10/03/2002 9:45 AM MDT

I have carefully read the questions on the forum and have found only part of an answer.

I have been with my boyfriend who is white for nearly 5 years - I left home to study at university in a different city. We both graduated and now have really good jobs. A month ago I told my family about him and their reaction was to make me choose. I have explained how much he and my family mean to me - but they say if I don't choose or choose him then they will sell everything and move to India. Its hard because my brothers are still studying but my parents tell me their future is in my hands. My Dad runs his own business and says if it fails now then it is my fault. They keep crying and asking me not to let the family fall apart - I tell them I won't but they are the ones pushing me away. They say I can't see this from their perspective - "have they worked hard all their lives for this?" "Why am I punishing them?" They say no one else in the family has ever done this why me? They are worried about what other people will say but also my dad believes mixed marriages have high failure rates and asks where would I turn if we split up after having children - he says neither religion will accept them. I thought parents are there to help and support you, I know they've always controlled what I do, where I go, what I wear and they say it has all been for my benefit - but I don't want them to make me choose - I can't live my life wondering what would have happened if I hadn't given up my relationship, I know I'd be so unhappy. They keep saying its a mistake and that I got myself in this mess and to get myself out of it.

My boyfriend & I have talked about this - I've told him that it is not going to be easy bringing children up but he agrees for me to bring them up in the same way I've been brought up and that what matters is that we can provide stability for the children. As for whether the family accepts him - he says he does not mind as long as I am still able to keep in touch with them.

I believe in God and have faith in him, I go to the Gurudwara and do Paat and have explained to my family that I have not lost my faith. But they are still making me choose - I really don't want to choose - I love both sides so much. I feel as though I'm falling apart. Also I'm very scared of what this might do to the family - what if it makes someone ill?

Please help.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. Ordinarily, we advise strongly against marriage to anyone who is of a different religion. But if your boyfriend sincerely and truly promises to raise your children as Sikhs, that seems most important to me. Your family means well, and cares about your happiness, obviously, but they are blackmailing you by threats. Since you are already living on your own, why would your marriage make such a difference to them that they would pack up and move to India? When do you plan to marry? Remember, marriage vows are important if you really believe this is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Would he be willing to be married in a Sikh ceremony in a Gurdwara? What about his family? This is not a simple situation. I hope that you will continue to do Paat, and keep up your connection with the Guru, and pray for guidance. blessings, SP