|Summary of Question:||Feeling Uncollected|
|Date Posted:||Friday, 1/16/2009 4:23 AM MST|
the grandeur and impeccable beauty of the moon and starlit sky never fail to amaze me. I am just completely enraptured in that moment, as if frozen in time with a pause button in action. Everything else, no matter how glamorous or glittery, seems to pale in comparison to Pooranmashi. And then my critical side, as if triggered, steps in and whispers to me: "Even Guruji? Even Hazur Sahib? Even love-dripping Gurbani?" Then I re-consider my earlier proclamation/statement. I feel obliged to add that clause: ..."Nothing else can be more beautiful than my Guruji, Gurbani and Sikhee." I wish I could really mean that from the depths of my heart and soul- to really feel the love within me for Guruji, my Praan Adhara, the support of my very breaths, exactly the same way the young boy sitting next to me in Sachkhand during Amritvela on 26.12.2008 felt. He was almost effortlessly immersed in love for the Shabad, and timely enough, Guruji allowed the tuk running along the lines of "...ishqay khudaee" to reverberate in the celestial and out-of-the-world atmosphere of Sachkhand Sri Hazur Sahib. The mercy of my Guruji is incomprehensible. I am so lowly; I am nowhere near capable of deciphering it. I keep on committing wrongdoings,lured by the 5 chor. I keep falling prey to them everyday, every second and every time I am not attached to thoughts of You or Your heavenly pilgrimage asthaans. I tell myself: Be wary. Stop this. You have to get a grip. But yet when I see a picture of some good-looking kesdhari guy, I am trapped. I have a long way to go. I am full of inferiority. I feel like I exude some sort of emptiness. Why do I feel less of a human being than everyone else? Just cos I have a unibrow, it does not mean I can't be considered beautiful. I wish I could wipe the soiled slate of my mind clean and re-define beauty for myself so that I stop judging and start being happy with who I am. This is one issue troubling me for the longest time and I hope I never forsake my Guruji for a life of emptiness and discontent. The Maya in me raises her voice each time I fall weak and do not surmount my moments with thoughts of Guruji. I want to be so-filled with pyaar for Guruji that the above-mentioned sinful thoughts vanish. Then my critical side catechizes: "What's your actual motive behind wanting to feel love for Guruji?" I know I came onto this path by the greatest mercy of Guruji, who allowed me to link the possibility of academic success and achievements in life with prayer and Sikhee. I didn't want to feel any more uncontented, unsatiated or hungry for acceptance. Mightily merciful Guruji has never allowed me to face issues with acceptance. He always allowed me to meet people I could commune with. I can never stop counting the infinite number of blessings Guruji has showered unto me. That's why I feel horrid, ungrateful and brat-like for allowing myself to feel troubled by trivial issues like beauty, whether any guy might take to me, whether I'll get married, whether I'll have to wear make-up and whether I'll find a partner whom I can confide in, without having to worry that he regards me like dung. Why can't I feel that partner is Guruji, cos He's the only one in the whole big wide world who knows my every breath, and my every thought and all of my secrets unbeknownst to the world? I realised something more today. It's quite cool how I have always been relating my most private thoughts/problems/troubles to Guruji only. It kinda occurs subconsciously and I myself don't know when I stopped regarding friends as dutiful for that purpose. When I wished to call on ____ to relate to her how messy and uncollected I feel, something within me told me: "Nah, nah. Guruji is there for you. Why turn to others? Tell Him." Then I feel afraid that this is me acting in the josh of the moment. That this josh will wear off and even as I may continue to search for something else to surmount my faith on, I may find nothing and I may fall away from this path of Sikhee. Will I be able to regard Guruji as my friend for my entire life? Is it right for me to be shu
nning a supposed social life? Am I being too harsh on myself? I know I may come across as confusing but I am just as confused cos am I killing myself with some sort of self-imposed critical solitary life? Ahh I dunno. Please help me sort this out. Thank you so much.
Your love and longing for Wahe Guru is a gift. Your duality and limitations are also a gift. Love them too or at least accept that you are human and this is part of what it is to be human. If you do not have a friend to share your deep feelings then you are like most of the rest of us.
Here is a very beautiful meditation for you to do daily.......sit quietly and wrap your arms around yourself and sing the Chand from Jaap Sahib: Ajai alai abhai abai, abhu ajew .................." and so on.
Recite it for 11 times every day in this way.
Also, Guru is your best friend, so make sure you read your hukam in english when you go to Gutu so you can understand what Guru is teaching and replying to your situation.
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