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Summary of Question:	Clarification Of 11Th Pauri Of Anand Sahib
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Thursday, 1/10/2002 4:45 AM MST

waheguru ji ka khalsa

waheguru ji ki fateh

"eh kutumb too jo dekhda chale nahi tere nale....sath tere chale nahi tis naal kyon chit layiye...aisa kamm mule na kiche jit ant pachotayiye".....
does this mean we should not like our family members or should not love them and should not relate with them....or should not have wife and family..and children.... even our gurus had "kutumb"..family.....
please clarify in light of gurubani .

waheguru ji ka khalsa
waheguru ji ki fateh

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REPLY
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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!
This is a good question. You have quoted from the 11th pauri of 3rd Guru's Anand Sahib. Actually, throughout Siri Guru Granth Sahib, you will see references similar to this one, exhorting humanity not to attach to one's relations. And that is exactly the issue.

So many people IDENTIFY with their families to the exclusion of identifying with their divinity. As Sikhs, we are taught that all Sikhs are sons and daughters of the Guru. But what do we do? We worry about our status, worry that our children won't take care of us, attach to our sons as if there were NO Guru in our lives, attach to our spouses as if the Guru does not exist as the real Spouse of our Souls. What 3rd Guru is saying is do not ATTACH. In India in 3rd Guru's time, people were SO attached to family that they worshipped ancestors and did meaningless rituals to perpetuate their attachment to the family member who died. 3rd Guru is reminding us here that all this attachment to the family and its status and what everyone in it does with their lives is a waste of time, because when we leave this form, the family does not go with us! When we should be chanting the Naam we are messing with our family by trying to control what they do or don't do!

Guru Amar Das is saying that our family members are part of our karm and we are part of their karm, and that attachment to them adds to our karmic account. He is not saying do not love our family and relations. But many people do not know the difference between love and attachment or love and manipulation. True love is unconditional: it does not say "I will love you if you bear me sons" or "I will love you if you care for me in old age" or "I won't love you if you marry that person of a different caste." This is not love. It is manipulation. Attachment is the feeling that "I shall die my son leaves home" or "I shall die if s/he doesn't love me." This is attachment. It is heavily conditional also.

So, how to love family members without attachment? First, one has to have some aspect of meditative mind, which means spending meditation time chanting the Naam daily. One has to have full faith that those who are born into our family are part of Guru's plan for us as individuals and as a family unit. One has to trust that the One who rotates this planet will also manage our (family) affairs and one has to be, above all, willing to let family members make choices that we might not agree with (I am not talking about avoiding discipline or allowing someone to harm another!) I mean everyday decisions and life decisions of adults in our families. For example, many Sikhs would rather DIE than have their son or daughter marry someone of another caste; among other things, this shows a complete lack of faith in Guru's will. You see?
Guru ang sang,
-DKK