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Summary of Question:	Confused With Love & Relationships
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 8/25/2004 2:15 PM MDT

I have been following this forum, and have seen many people get answers and guidance. It is with the same hope that I have finally tried to put my condition down at the forum and hope for some feedback.

I am struggling with something and can't seem to find what the right thing to do is. I have been in some very trying relationships, that have taught me great lessions and each and everytime that I have been able to survive is through the guidance provided by the Guru -- the one and only. But I am not sure, whats wrong with my fate. Here is my issue. I am presently seeing someone (also a sikh) who has emmensly questioned 'What love is?' He doesn't agree with the conventional conditioning of what love is portrayed to be in our society, and has been seeking the true meaning of 'What love really is?'. As a result of his these questions, he claims never to have actually loved any one, or been in love, or told anyone that he loves them.There have been two individuals who he claims tohave felt something remotely close to "love", but he never had a realtionship with either of them. When asked about how he knew he loved the two that came into his life... he simply answered " its just a feeling I got". I am not sure what he felt, whether it was love, or something else, or that his idea of love is the pain you feel from love. He has confessed that in all his past relationships, (including this one) he is not able to give himself whole hearltedly, and feels distant and just doesn't want to be around. There is an apparent cycle here, he is caught he a deep problem, and hasn't been able to get figure it out.

He feels that he can't meet some of my expectations that I may have from the relationship as a result of this unresolved issue. I on the other hand do have deep feeling and care a lot for him, and see him as some one who can flourish... I am not sure if I should hang around,... or leave him to resolve this... I would like to give this relationship a real chance.. but I think he is loosing heart cause he always feels this way after a while of being in the relatioship.

I don't know what guidance to give him... if any... is there a path a can do to help him.. or that he can do to help him find clarity. I see him and feel myself a great deal of distress because of this.. he finds him self very confused and lost and in this matter... and i feel that our relationship will be ending. just need some advice!
Thanks for listening.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. I think you're right, this relationship is not going to last, because this man is afraid of commitment. That is his problem, and so unless you want to waste your time in a hopeless situation, you would be better off to move on. Love is not what most people think it is. The only TRUE love is the love God has for us, His creatures! Think about it, no matter what we do or say, God keeps breathing in us! To bring this more down to understanding love between people, it's when you care more for the happiness of the other than for yourself. Love is a total GIVING. Like the sun shining continuously whether you turn away or throw rocks at it! Not that we should let anyone mistreat us, please do not misunderstand! What I'm saying is that your boyfriend is making himself miserable trying to define something that has to be experienced, rather than defined. I think it's his way of avoiding commitment. He can get into a relationship for a while, and then say, "well, I don't really love this person," and move on. Ideally, we would love everyone, which is different from attachment or lust, or emotional involvement. The greatest love poem ever written is the Shabd Hazaray, the four letters composed by Guru Arjan Dev when he was a young boy, writing to his father, Guru Ram Das. I think you don't have a happy future with this man, and you deserve better! If you want to pray for him probably the best shabd for you to chant would be the SO PURKH section of Rehiras. It has been said it has the power to make a man a saint! For best guidance, I always turn to Guru Ram Das, and the Shabd DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR -- for when you want a miracle! You have a right to be happy! You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and wants to marry you! Blessings, SP