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Summary of Question:is what i'm praying for right?
Category:Love & Marriage
Date Posted:Saturday, 5/22/1999 8:36 AM MDT

Hi. I seem to a have a problem that I can see no solution for. I'm a 24 yr old sikh girl belonging to a very large, religious family and my parents are very anxious about getting me married. They have been looking for a suitable partner for me for over 3 years now and cannot seem to find anyone. They have even asked me if I know anyone that I would like to marry. I don't date, I don't go out, I have a very hard time talking to Sikh guys. However, there is this one guy who works in the same hospital as me that my parents adore. He comes to the same gurdwara as us, he's amrtidhari, and he's working his way towards a good career. My parents some with him breifly that they would like him to consider my hand in marraige-he however is not interested right now. He says that now is not a good time, he wants to finish his education( another 3-4 years )..etc,..etc. My problem is that I think I'm in love with this guy. He's everything that I would want in a husband. He has totally changed my life to the point


where I have taken amrit, go to gurdwara every day before work, do path beyond my regular nitnem, and pray day and night that he changes his mind and agrees to marry me. Is what I'm praying for right? This has been going on for close to two years now, and I'm going to keep on praying in hopes that one day Babaji will listen to my ardas. My parents have found several suitable matches for me within this time and nothing works out-maybe because I still keep praying for him. Is what I'm doing right?

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Reply
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Sat Nam, ji. There is a teaching that "Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so." So, the important issue is "How are you actually thinking within this situation?," and actually, "What do you think is right?"

In reality, in our sacred relationship with our Guru, the Guru will always be there to consult with us, through Path, through prayer and through meditation, on any and every aspect of our lives where we need or want His aid and support. Therefore, there is nothing that we cannot appropriately pray about with Him.

On the other hand, there are real ethical issues that should be examined when we begin to pray about other people and the choices to be made by other people (especially choices about us). Who or what are we trying to influence when we pray?

If you look at each human being as having a potential, optimal destiny in relation to Truth and in relation with God and Guru, then really, in serving the best and highest interests of every human being, we should pray that each person, or this particular person be blessed to evolve in direct realization of themselves with Truth and Dharma. If that <best> possibility (in this case, what you're asking about) includes or is augmented by marriage with you, then <So be it>. May Guru's will and grace prevail. But what if the Guru has some other path or destination in mind for the best outcome for this person to whom you are attracted? If you pray and pray and pray to have this thing turn out the way you want it, or your parents want it, without regard to the very best for the other person and for everyone else, then what goodness is there in that?

Out of this dilemma, there is an approach which might help. This would be, in any situation where we want to have an influence through prayer, to form our prayers and direct them in such a way <That we do not attempt or intend to control the outcome>. The <outcome of a situation> where the futures and destinies of others (and even ourselves) are concerned should be left in Guru's hands for Him to decide and guide. We don't have to interfere in the Guru's will, nor do we have to second guess or persuade the Guru about what is right or wrong, what is best or not. Best of all is, that we put ourselves at Guru's feet and offer ourselves, volunteer, to uphold and support whatever outcome He is going to support and manifest. Sikh Dharma is a path of deep devotion, and that is the way of the kind of devotee known as a GurSikh.

One of the difficulties of child rearing in a traditional culture (such as Punjabi culture) is that when there is a custom to have arranged marriages we can develop the opinion that the parents are doing it all. Actually, they are only the medium of the communication, the Guru is doing it all. In <contemporary, western cultures>, where individuals select their own spouses, we might make a similar erroneous conclusion that WE are doing it all. If WE and our egos are controlling the life, then we and our egos are going to mess it up. If parental egos think that they are controlling the process, rather than serving the child on behalf of the Guru, then parental egos are going to mess it up. Whatever ego does gets messed up. And whenever ego is surrendered to Guru's will, the situation gets elevated and whatever happens will be the best.

Isn't that what Guru Arjun Dev ji taught us as he sat, unbelievably tortured on the hot plate of his martyrdom? He said, "Regardless of what happens and what You do, Your will is sweet, O Lord?" Certainly, in Shabad Hazare, Arjun Dev (the child) also expressed his love and desire for his father, Guru Ram Das, and Guru Ram Das was pleased by the purity of the love he expressed. And, in fact, Guru Ram Das sealed the Shabad Hazare by saying that "Whosoever shall regularly practice and meditate upon Shabad Hazare shall never be separated from their beloved."

With this great blessing of Guru Ram Das in mind, I would humbly suggest that you take up this form of prayer and practice, to read, recite, memorize and sing the Shabad Hazare, out loud or within yourself, at every opportunity, and especially when you have doubts about your life or about finding the mate and spouse who is destined and best for you. This Shabad will bring you confidence and patience, and you can manifest a spirit of Cherdi Kalaa that can serve as an outward sign to your future spouse that here is a woman who is truly the Grace of God and a shining example of a GurSikh woman whom he shall be honored and blessed to marry. In the meantime, the Sikh is the bride, Guru is the spouse, and if you evolve in that relationship, He will bring you everything. Otherwise, read the Siri Guru Granth Sahib from cover to cover, it will tell you over and over, that without the Guru, parents, spouse, friends, career, possessions and children mean absolutely nothing at all.

Many blessings upon what you will discover, by Guru's Grace.

Humbly,
Krishna Singh Khalsa



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