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Summary of Question:	Confused..
Category:	Meditation
Date Posted:	Saturday, 5/18/2002 4:35 PM MDT

waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh.

I have a very important question to ask...I'm am amritdhari 21 years old married girl.. i used to have such faith in Guru Granth Sahib ji. I used to do simran all day long..Everything i did was for guru ji. I always tried to fit myself in the definition of khalsa. But i dont know what happened all of a sudden. All the faith is lost and this world has become my priority. Everything i used to believe seems like a dream. and all this has made me very restless. I never feel peace inside. I'm very very worried about what will happen next. I dont have any control over how i'm acting right now. I dont want to turn my head away from guru but gursikhi seems to be slipping out of my hands. I try to do paath and simran. I still do all baanis and get up at amritwela and try to do simran. But everyday my situation seems to be worst than the day before. Please help me. I'm getting very depressed and even thinking about ending my life cuz I cant handle all this stress. Please help, please help.

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Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

It's difficult to balance worldy life with spiritual life. Now that you're married and in the world more, you're beginning to face that. The questions is-what do you do?

Have you ever heard the phrase, "The long, dark night of the soul?" It means that, on the journey to true spiritual awakening, every soul goes through a phase where they question everything, and can't seem to see the light anymore. You have ideas about what it means to be Khalsa, of what the Guru is. But the ironic paradox of spiritual life is that you have to let go of your ideas and open up yourself to have a genuine experience-and that process of letting go of what you think Sikhi is and opening yourself to experiencing the Guru on a deeper level is scary.

So-just know that this is a normal part of the process, and the key to getting through it is to be very very honest with yourself. The pain is caused because you're afraid you're loosing something precious that you once had. But, really, your spiritual practice is transforming you so it's OK to let go of what you used to believe and be in a very neutral mind about what's next. If you have questions-ask them. If something doesn't make sense, give yourself permission to find the answers that make sense to you. The Guru is guiding you through this darkness-whether or not you see it. The Guru is with you every step. Keep waking in the Amrit Vayla, keep meditating-but relax and just let your questions come. Be genuine and true to yourself. Keep up your discipline. And I promise you-you will get through this and, at the end of it, you will have a more mature enderstanding of God, Guru and our own soul then you did before. But patience, above all else, is required. So don't judge yourself. Be patient with the transformation Guru is putting you through, and don't be afraid to change.

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

GPK