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|Summary of Question:||I Want To Die.|
|Date Posted:||Monday, 12/19/2011 2:05 AM CST|
I got married two years back and am living with my husband in chennai. both of our families are in Delhi. I am so lonely here that no one is there to talk to. My husband's office timings are so odd that mostly he works on weekends and comes very late night at home and goes early to the office. So we rarely have the time to talk. I call him at times to talk when I'm too restless. Here culture is very strange that people dont want to talk to people from other states and language difference makes it worse. I go to gurudwara sahib to find peace and sangat but unfortunately sikh people here in chennai are either too rich and they are so status conscious that they dont talk to people like me and my husband who are quite young and dont have families here. Especially i can say the sikh guys come here for jobs in software engineering but they somehow dont want to settle here so till now I've not found any gursikh girl to whom I can be friends with. I have been craving for sangat here from 2 years but even the ragi in gurudwara sahib sings without any sur-taal and more of his attention is towards the money. no other samagams ever happen here. I am not able to conceive and cant even work to get friends as with so much of work at home and outside I fell sick and am not able to do anything. So many times such situation has come that when I have too much of fever or anything I keep lying on the bed and no one is there to serve me water even. my husband is caring but he doesn't take an off unless it is urgent. I feel to commit suicide as at times I feel guru sahib is not happy with me and i might have done something very bad that i am facing such a situation.
Most of the time I try doing sehaj path, sukhmani sahib or simran for all this but my state of mind is becoming very negative.
Before my marriage i was in chardikala and had much of sangat in delhi that i never cared about any other thing. The materialistic world and talks irritate me so much that i avoid talking about clothes and money and jewellery.
Life after marriage is just the opposite to what i was before marriage.
I do ardas daily but somehow situation is the same. May be my ardas is not from heart. Everything what i do ends up in negativity.
But the problem is nothing seems to help. Even my husband is not getting the transfer after so much trials and efforts. I am not able to conceive and am so very lonely. It kills me from inside and dont get sangat here which makes me try to commit suicide and then I stop thinking guru sahib has denied suicide in sikhism...
What should i do and what not.
someone please help and do ardas for me.
Waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh
<<<<< REPLY >>>>>
Bhen Ji - I found your story to be deeply inspiring. In our lives the greatest blessing is to be brought to the place where one is at the zero point – Shunia.
Having nothing – no money, no hope, no companionship and no inspiration. What a blessing. This is because that that point comes the opportunity to build anew.
It is time for surrender. Nothing else will work. Lay your lonliness at your Guru's charan. Lay the deepest longing of your heart at your Guru's charan.
What you CAN do at this point, is work on yourself by creating a daily discipline of sadhana in the amrit vela. It matters not whether you feel up or down. It matters not what anyone else does or does not do. Be kind to all, serve everyone and elevate every situation.
This is between you and your Guru.
When you do your Matha Tek, just put your head down and keep in there... and say, "I am yours and You are mine. You arrange all my affairs and I serve you. I am here reporting for duty, Sir! Just tell me what you want me to do today." And then pay attention throughout the day! Your Guru will tell you want you must do. When you live each day as an offering to your Guru, you will not get caught up in thinking of your own predicament in life and becoming depressed.
You belong to your Guru and your Guru belongs to you.
All love in Divine, .....G