Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	My Friend Is Going To Marry A Non-Sikh Guy And She Is Willing Leave Her Family?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 9/29/2002 9:05 PM MDT

My friend is planning to marry a jain guy who she met on the net, he has recently came to America and they are planning to get married with the next two years. Ever since she told me about her relationship with that guy, our friendship of 13 years has drastically changed. THe thing that bothers me the most is that she is willing to leave her family if they don't agree with her marrying the non-sikh guy. I tried telling her if she marry's a guy outside her religion it will be really hard raising kids into the SIKH religion. ANother thing that really bothers me is that the guy she is dating is a Jain, they don't eat any meat, and she used to eat meat and she has given up all that for him, i don't get why she is changing herself for him. but she keeps telling me that she is doing that for herself, but i don't believe her. My friend cuts her hair, she can't even keep her responsilities as a SIkh how can she keep the responsiblities of an another different religion. I have lost respect for her, i didn't mean to, but i did. IS that right thing for me to do, because in Sikhism it tells everyone to respect everyone no matter what. Is doing the right thing, if she leaves her family ?

very confused Sikhni

------

The main problem here is that you are judging your friend. That is not being a good friend. You can discuss with her her plans, why she is doing what she is doing, how she feels about living in a non-Sikh household, raising children, etc. But, you must do it from a non-judgemental attitude. If you are blaming and emotional about your discussion, it isn't a discussion...you are laying a trip on her. Do you understand what I mean? You are laying guilt on her. Be her friend by allowing her to talk freely. In that talking perhaps she will get more clarity.

Also, once someone has made up their mind, its very hard to change their mind, especially when the heart is involved. If they are waiting 2 years to get married, alot can happen in that time. Tell her she might want to discuss with this guy his philosophy about life, marriage, childraising, etc. He might be a wonderful guy or not. Help her understand the importance of finding out just what he's going to be like in marriage before marriage. Do this for her as a friend, not as a preacher, thinking that you are better than she, or making her feel small and bad. Good Luck. GTKK