Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Been Dumped - Feel Punished By God
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 1/11/2006 11:37 PM MST

Sat Sri Akal,

It has been 3 months since my girlfriend dumped me, and even though the going has become easier now I still remember her, miss her, and feel sad (even though it was she who dumped me).

A bit of background - we are both from India. I am a keshdhari gursikh and she is a bengali hindu. We met in college and fell in love with each other. Mariage was on my mind from the beginning as I am not the kind of person to enter frivolous relationships. But I told her in the beginning only that I wanted my kids to be gursikhs and she happily agreed to that. This fall we both came to the US for our Master's, albeit far away on opposite coasts (i am here on the west coast). Before leaving India, she told me all kinds of things like "I was her ideal man, she would always want me by my side, couldnt live without me etc" Sometimes she even used to say that she would convert to Sikhism just to be with me, although I never once implicitly or explicitly asked her to do that. I am a firm gursikh, have never smoked or drunk alcohol, know Jaap Saahib by heart and recite it 2-3 times a day and really love Waheguru. In fact, once my ex and I started our relationship I prayed all the more - thanking god for all the happiness he had given me and prayed for us to be together every day.

However within a month of coming here, I sensed a change in my ex. We had a bit of a fight over e-mail, but it wasnt any more than what all couples have. However within exactly a month of my coming to the US she broke up with me over the phone. She did this the day after I expressed my annoyance at her going out to play racquetball with 3 guys (no girls) at 1 in the night.She started off by saying that "there is no future". I begged and cried but she merely kept on giving increasingly fantastical reasons such as "i love you but dont want to be with you, i dont want our kids to be sikhs, i dont want to marry anyone only, you (me) didnt support me". She said she still thought I was the best boyfriend a girl could ever have (she told her best friend, whom i got in touch with during this while, that i had always been excellent to her) but she didnt want to be with me only. However I kept on hoping that she would get back. Then I found out that she had an account on Orkut (i dont know if you know about it - its a sort of an online community) which she had never told me about and was blatantly flirting with another guy from her univ (one of the ones she had gone to play racquetball with, he lives next door to her in her univ) just days after she broke up with me. I felt devastated and resolved never to talk to her or contact her again, so as to retain atleast a semblance of my dignity (which i had shredded apart as i begged her to come back to me).

I have kept up my policy of "No Contact" for 2.5 months now. It was really hard in the beginning - i had dreamt of my whole life with this girl and she had dumped me in the cruellest fashion possible (by a long-distance phone call) after telling me that she couldnt "live without me". I had treated her like a lady throughout the time we were together, never once uttered a single abuse against her (nothing! the worst i ever said was just once when i told her to "get lost", no f word, no b word, nothing). But my friends and sister have helped me out a lot and I can go through the day normally on most days.

But I still miss her sometimes, i hate being alone. I feel as if I will never be loved again. I sometimes feel it is pointless being a good guy (her last bf had abused her regularly, drank and smoked and never really loved her, but as her best friend told me later, my ex had still loved her ex bf 'truly and madly'). Is there no logic to love? Does how the other person makes you feel not count for anything? I sometimes feel so mad at god - i love him so much, pray so much and try to be as good a human being as i can, and He took away all my happiness? When i didnt even do anything wrong! Is that how He treats the ones who love Him the most? My whole life got shattered as soon as I left home and came to a new land - is that the 'blessing' I received from Him? I feel so mad at Him, even accuse Him sometimes, but still dont say anything really bad to Him and still pray regularly. But I have stopped praying for anything for myself. I just do my paath and ask Him to bless the people whom i care for. I dont want to look foolish by asking Him for something and getting only pain in return. I am a pretty lonely guy by nature - when i found my ex i felt so inexplicably blessed my god. but He took it all away. Right at the most inopportune (what timing!) time. It sucks to be a good guy, I cant even call up my ex and tell her just what i feel about what she did to me because i know that will make her sad. And I cant be mad at god - maybe i am too trivial a being for Him to pay any attention to me. All this may sound a bit to extreme to you - dont worry, I am a strong guy and am slowly moving on (its taking me so much more time because i truly did love my ex). but now i sense that my friends and sister have tired of hearing this, as they naturally would. So I have no one to talk to about this. I just feel really sad at nights when it gets dark outside (like right now as i am typing this). I am really lonely and have no one to love me. Maybe no one will ever love me - because i loved this girl with all my heart, did everything to make her feel special and loved, i cant think of anything more i could have done. and still i got dumped. then why would anyone ever want to be with me. not that i need anyone - i can live life alone. then again, maybe i cant. I would want someone to be by my side too. I just pray to god and then start crying and then turn my face away from Him (i have a picture of Guru Gobind Singh and the Golden Temple put up in my room). Why did god do this to me? Does it really not matter at all - the kind of person you are, if you believe in Him and stuff like that? My life feels so empty sometimes. I had come to the US with dreams of getting a good education, getting a good jobs and then marrying her and being with her forever, all the while being the best sikh i could. Now I dont have anything to look forward to. Its just going to classes and back. I am a pretty reticent guy so most people who know me on campus dont even know anything about me, my ex and my break-up and all. I deleted her mails and now i regret deleting them - i feel as if i would have liked to have kept memories of a time when someone loved me (albeit, not truly, as i now know). because no one will ever love me again. I feel so sad. Why did Waheguru do this to me?

Its been a long post, has this one. Wouldnt blame you if you fell asleep halfway through it! I just had to get some things off my chest. Any replies would be welcome :)

(REPLY) Sat Nam. God didn't "do this to you." Nobody did anything to you -- you allowed this girls actions to affect you this way. Accepting everything that happens as God's will is not easy, especially when it is painful and emotionally unbearable, but there is a lesson for you in whatever happens, and whether that is to learn to be attached ONLY to God and Guru, may just be why this has happened. Faith is tested in many ways. Husbands, wives, families, money, etc. these are temporary things that hopefully are pleasant and work out well, but ultimately, they are not the permanent reality. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read a lot from Siri Guru Granth Sahib, and get your perspective back, so that you don't think of God as giving out rewards or punishment, but rather as the living presence IN YOU ANG SANG WAHE GURU -- that is allowing you to experience life on earth, with all its ups and downs - testing if you can maintain your primary focus on chanting God's Name and experiencing the reality -- the permanent reality of the God within you. May God bless you with wisdom and courage to live to your excellence as Khalsa. SP