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Summary of Question:	Guru's Guidance In Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 7/09/2001 5:57 PM MDT

I'm gonna be 29 years old soon, my family wants me to get married so bad. They found somebody for me. We're engaged. He is a very nice guy, he is nice to my family and stuff. I do not feel like I wants to marry him,I do not have feelings or attractions for him. In the past few months I've been trying to get to know him, find something to base my relationship with him. I've been trying to be an open-minded and open-hearted person. Still I don't see a meaningful relationship here. I'm in a very confused state right now. I've been asking myself, is he the right guy? Did God fix this rishta? I keep telling myself that things don't just happen, without God's will. If this was meant by God then why I do not feel at peace/hormony with the situation/ environment? From my knowledge on Guru's teaching , we should lead a truthful life, truth will lead us a harmonies life. How can I make myself understand the situation I am in, I keep this to myself, cause I do not want to create a situation with my family or g

et anybody hurt whatsoever.

How can I seek Guru's guidance in this. What should I do? Which path(prayers)should I do? How do I know what God expect out of me?

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal Dear One:

I'm going to be blunt here. Your parents arranged this marriage according to family ties, status, and what they thought would be right for you. It doesn't sound as if they took a hukum and ASKED Guru if he is right for you, let alone asked YOU how you feel. To me this is not the basis for truthful living. Marriage should not be FORCED on anyone, and it is not Sikh to do so. It is Punjabi/Indian culture to arrange marriages, but it is not Sikh to force someone to marry. The problem here is not with arranging so much as taking into account the feelings of the ones being married. You say you do not want to hurt anyone, does this mean you have to hurt (instead)? If this man is not suited to you do you have to live the rest of your life in discontent with someone you may never really love?

I am not telling you to blow off your parents or disrespect them as a result, but you asked if this situation is truthful, and it does not seem so to me.

I should add that sometimes it takes a while to get used to the idea of a new situation. Your fiance may, deep down, be pretty nervous about the whole thing. Same for you. So common ground is this and the walls around the nervousness make real communication difficult.

To find your own internal answers to your predicament, I suggest you practice the Naam daily and for at least 30 minutes. This will stabilize your mind. You should do this regardless of what happens. When you feel ready, after you have changed, do ardaas and then take hukum from Siri Guru and ask Guru what is your 'highest truth' concerning this marriage? Ask Guru how you should proceed or respond to the situation. Guru always gives the proper guidance. That is why 10th Master Guru Gobind Singh gave us Siri Guru, and he promised us Siri Guru would tell us the Truth, whether or not we want to hear it.

I am hoping that if you go through with this marriage you will be pleasantly surprised and have a happy marriage. I am hoping that both of you enjoy the practices of being Sikh: bani, simran, and seva, and can find common ground in their practice. If you marry, remember that you have married the Guru and you have become one soul in two bodies. Hold fast to that concept throughout.

Guru bless you with a happy marriage, whenever and to whoever!
-DKK