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Summary of Question:	Care Too Much About What Others Think If Me, Its Killing Me
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 11/12/2003 6:56 PM MST

Dear SIKHNET

I hope you can help me. Firstly I will explain to you some of the things that have happened in my Life so you get a better picture. I am nearly 22 years of age and I graduated with an average degree in Liberal Arts this year. My mother suffers from depression and my father calls me names such as ugly fat son and says I will never be able to get a wife even if it was arranged.

At school since the age of 5 I have been bullied because I was slow at learning people called me names then in High school they called me Ugly and big nose especially the girls I remember when I entered the library one girl said “ I have seen the ugliest thing ever”. So this happened constantly everyday since the age of 11 to 18 at high school even some teachers picked on me and called me ugly too and so did my grandma cousins and aunties they all have said to my face that my nose Is very big and I am not handsome. I got bullied at school and when I went home Dad picked on me he said I was dumb and very ugly. I have scares on my face from acne. Also my nose is very large.

Then with the help of GOD I passed my exams and went to university about 300 miles away. It was at this time I was very conscious of my looks and its here in 2000 I developed depression and became very ill. I wasted my parent’s money I did get a degree but not an excellent one I am in $30,000 student debt too. My parents are not rich so I feel real bad. Even during university some people picked one me and said you’re not attractive as the other boys here at university this really hurt. I have never had a girlfriend.

Anyway I just about got through university. THE WORST THING IS I put so much weight on that I am 260 pounds now I am even more ugly I used to be 168 pounds in 2000. Now in 2003 I graduated and came back home in June 2003.

THIS IS WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE

I have been unemployed since the 1st of June I don’t leave my house because of the way I look and have stayed in the house all these months. Because I am back in my hometown I am so ashamed of people especially old school friends and relative it was here in this town that people destroyed me. On a rare occasion when I went out I seen a few people who are shocked when they see me and say I look so fat and real old. Seeing me as I am I do look 42 not 22. I have had no confidence to go to interviews and this is the MAJOR problem Sikhnet, I have no confidence to LEARN TO DRIVE A CAR. Seriously I am so frightened of WHAT OTHERS THINK. Sikhnet that’s my problem “I care too much of what other people think of me”. I had 4 driving lessons and stalled and couldn’t start the car at the traffic lights and these Punjabi girls in the next car were laughing at me I just panicked and said to the instructor I cant do it and since then I have not dared to take more lessons. Plus other girls in the neighbourhood laugh at me even when I go for a walk (once in a blue moon). Plus I have no confidence even getting a job at the tills at Wal-Mart because I have no confidence. I FEEL that I can’t do anything. Especially when females confront me and I cant find any job that has no females. My mind is constantly thinking of “what others think of me”, even when I go to the Gurdwara. Sikhnet please please help me. I pray to Waheguru and ask him to please make me not think or care what others think but the next day I do and I can’t even go to get a job in this town. I am desperate I guess its years of bullying. All my friends passed there driving tests at
16 my friends ask why I don’t I ant tell them I am scared of what others think of me. When I do get a job people are going to say what they usually say that I don’t look 22 I am ugly and look so old. Its most Indian girls and boys I am scared of as they picked on me a lot,,, should I go to an area in this country where there are no Indians.

Sometimes I think I should move away from my parents especially because its such a depressing family. I have no independence here in this house mom drives me about everywhere she also has that control over me because I live at her house and I feel like ok if I go away I will have to pay rent at least if I stay at home I can get a house because I can save money while I stay at home if I ever get a job. I am very close to my mom that’s the only thing that keeps me or makes me stay in this town. However in a new town where I know NO-ONE I can get a job and learn to drive and have no fear about working or getting a job or that I cant do the job. Should I leave or is this an act of running away. I need a job as my family need the money but I am so scared to enter a new work place and maybe I cant do the job also I need to learn to drive to get to the areas where the jobs are. Should I go away and come back when I am thinner and have confidence. Thing is mom needs me here. Please Sisterji or Brotherji any help about this “thinking about what others think about me” problem. I am in a prison seriously and I cant get out of it I cant lose the weight because I get depressed and eat and in the meantime too shy to go out because of the acne, massive weight gain, and big nose. I bet Guru Nanak Ji was confident and didn’t worry about what others thought about him. I am investing too much time in what others feel or how others perceive me

Take care all at SIKHNET

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God Bless You!! You are dealing with a lot, but its not insurmountable. First of all, look at the positives. You did complete university. It doesn't matter if you were at the top of the class or not. You have held down jobs before, you can do it again. You have a mother that is on your side. Thats a huge advantage, but you also don't want to hide behind her. You need to be an adult. I would probably get some counseling. You need to talk to some one who can help you tackle your challenges step by step. You can either stay at home and get counseling or you can move away and do so. I would probably move away eventually, so you can have a fresh start. But, keep in mind that your challenges are yours...they will follow you where ever you go. You need counseling so you can face your challenges in life and conquer them. I would probably start looking for jobs on the internet or some other way...out of town. One suggestion would be to move away, get a job, take your driving test, get counseling and start your life. Good Luck. Ask Guruji to help you. GTKK