Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Need Advice
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 12/26/2003 4:48 PM MST

Hi, I have a question regarding my future wife. We live about four hours away, are going to be married in two years. We found each other through a love marriage. When her parents found out, they stopped her from talking to me. They said some very mean things to me. So I had to buy her a cell phone so we could keep contact, but her parents found that, and they yelled at her, and called me up at midnite to yell at me ( this was my first conversation with her mom). They have said some pretty mean things about me. They are very old fashioned and do not think logically. They like my family and stuff and now everything is cool with the families. But yet her family places limits on us. For example whenever I see her, we have to get permission from her parents and older sister to go out. And when we finally get permission we always have time constraints. I am a good person, and I thought they would have realized that by now. But yet they still treat me like "crap". I am trying to not let that effect my bond with her, but its very hard at times. She just seems to play it off all the time, she is happy cause my family loves her, but she has NO IDEA how it feels to be treated like a criminal by her family. My family doesnt know the extent to which her family treats me. I dont drink, smoke, and I am into Sikhi. At times I feel low, cause of how they stil feel. I know that they were upset that we found each other, and didnt have an arranged marriage, but they know that i am a good person and they should just move on. Her dad doesnt seem to care who the hell I am. He doesnt even look at me, whenever he talks to someone, and he always rolls his eyes when I talk about my career goals. I want to be a police officer.

At times I feel like crying and crying cause, its so hard. In addition to this, they will never let her come see me, so i have to take a six hour bus ride each way just to see her, and have all these restrictions put on us. We are not kids, were 22 yrs.old, and the weird thing is that her sister seems to always want to be in control, we have to get her permission. Its not fair, I dont know what to do. I have told her how I feel, she agrees with me, but she always plays it off.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. You say your "future wife" -- but has she - and her family really agreed to a marriage? Is there a specific date set? Meanwhile, what about your family? Have they made any attempt to contact her family, and make things smoother for you? I wonder if there is more to this picture than what you have written? Probably her parents (and sister) are trying to make sure that your relationship doesn't get too intimate before marriage. I know it's painful. All you can do is try to be extremely polite to her family, and focus on getting your career settled so that you will be in a position to support a wife. Remember, she doesn't want to have trouble with her family at this point in time (or ever, if it can be avoided!), and now she's not in a position (I assume) to have a major break with them. So , if you really love her, then to make her life easier, just grin and bear it, and prove through your actions (not just your words) that you respect this woman whom you want to marry, and you respect her parents. This will not be easy, but you need to be practical at this point in time until more definite plans for the future are possible. Are you praying every day before sunrise? Reciting Banis? Call on the Guru for wisdom and patience. Blessings, SP