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Summary of Question:	Why?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Friday, 6/03/2005 6:37 AM MDT

It's the same old story over and over again. I know the other people in the rest of the world have their fair share of problems and issues, unfortunatley I can't feel for them. My problems may be small in comparison, they are still a problem to me. Never the less I had faith in god. Each time something or someone hurt me I thought of it as a gift from god and believed it happend for a reason. But now I am so fed up and so sick and tired of being hurt, I have no faith in god. As far as I'm concerned he/she does not exist. Ok we experience sadness in life so that we appreciate happiness. I really don't care anymore. No matter what happend to me in the past, my childhood was awful, I experiences problems in my career, problems financially and most hurtful thing of all being hurt in love. Why did god make get to know someone and feel sooo strong for him then only to find out it wasn't meant to be. Even then I thought Ok, I accept it and wish my ex every happiness on this planet. Then I met someone else, got hurt again. Then I got engaged for my parents sake, in a weak moment I agreed to marriage then called it off, I got hurt then. I was looked down on. Even then I thought Ok, never mind. I went to the gurdwara without fail every week. When I was younger I used to ask god for specific things, but never got them & I know that it doesn't work like that. Then I started asking god to keep my faith in him and to give me strength. And asked him what ever you do next to me please make sure I don't get hurt.

I will not lie I have slept with about 3 men and don't know to this day why I did. I feel ashamed of myself but I accept that I was wrong and that one way or another I will get punished for that. I was minding my own business then out of the blue I met someone who came across quite upfront and genuine. We were both the same caste. But all he wanted was a good time and a bit of fun and said you never know where things may lead to. I knew it wasn't right but went along with it. He kept telling me that I was too good for him and he doesn't know what I see in him. And that one day I will be very happy becuase I would be the perfect partner that a guy would want. (He was the 3rd person I slept with). I felt very guilty when I went back home. And admit that I have no control over my emotions/lust. (I'm in my late 20's, he was in his early 30's) Although with effort and belief I could've have controlled them. He thought I was being silly and that we're grown adults and in this day and age there's nothing wrong with it. This continued for 8 months, I hardly saw the guy because we were both very busy with work. He told me that he was falling for and that he would like to me happy etc,etc. But my parents are on my case all the time as well as this society and people of our community who love to talk about other people despite what their own children are getting up to. People keep asking my parents why I'm not married. It really upsets me and I cry myself to sleep almost everyday. Eventually I asked this guy about what he wants, he turned around and said I don't know what I want. He said I might settle down next month or next year or when ever. Obviously I was hurt by this comment and wasn't strong enough to say, see you later. He suggested we go out separate ways. I didn't want this because my feelings were getting in the way. I left him to it for a few days then asked him if he wanted to meet up. He just text me back to say, what do you want to do? I text back and said not sure we can arrange something. He never got back to so on the 3rd day I rang him he didnt' answer. Then text him to say if he doesn't reply then I'll assume he doesn't want to know and that he'll never hear from me again. It's been over a week now and I've heard nothing. I'm not stupid and I know he doesn't want to know.

My point is I have been hurt once again and feel so gutted. I have so many emotions going through my mind that I'm ok one minuted and very upset the next. WHY did god let this happen to me again and not given the strength I needed? WHY has he made me lose my faith?? I talk to god alot, as you do. I am so angry with him I can't explain it. I don't believe that he gives a toss about me. And deep down believe that I will be hurt again and again in the times to come. I don't want to go to the gurdwara. In fact I'm waiting for him to let the next upset happen in my life and just sit there and watch. This hasn't happened over night. I have given up and as far as I'm concerned I'm on my own from now on. And I hate god for making me feel like this.

I feel better that I've let this out of my system, thank you for your time.

---Reply

How unfair that we blame God for our own weaknesses. We have free will. Yes, there is God's will, but some times our own weaknesses don't allow us to access His Will. The first thing I would do is stop blaming God. Next, I would take my power back and take responsibility for my self and my life. You created the mess you are in...you can recreate your life any way you choose. It is your choice. God is not some white bearded Grandfather in the sky. He/She is right inside of you and me and everyone. Relate to that Infinity within you...that will give you strength, values, projection and purpose in life. Who are you? Do you know yourself? Do you know your identity? Get to know your self. What do you want in life? What are your goals? Sit your self down and work it out. Stop being the victim and playing the "poor me" game. You can do it. With God and Guru within you as your guides, you can do anything. Believe in yourself and soar. Blessings. GTKK