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Summary of Question:	What To Do As A Single Parent?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 5/27/2003 8:37 AM MDT

hi every one!

I met my boyrfriend two years ago in my home town. He had just graduated at uni and i was still in college. Despite our religions, me being sikh and he a muslim we had a good relationship but only lasted a year. From then on it all went down hill. He became controlling and possesive but something i felt i could cope with at the time. He had been working for a year so i put his emotional abuse down to stress at work.

However he soon started to show signs of physical abuse even though it wasnt too bad at the time. This led me to make the decision of not living together when i went to uni that year. We were both upset about the decision but agreed to go ahead with it.

Soon after settling into uni meaning a week or so my boyfriend would make me feel guilty for spending time with friends and for going out, although he knew i had worked hard to get there in the first place. This went on for a few months until he decided to turn up unexpectedly at a night out with friends. At this point i was angry at him and didnt understand why he couldnt trust me after being together for so long. I sensed he didnt come to socialise or even spend time with me as not much was said. Towards the end of the night i was a little drunk and flirted with a few people. It was wrong of me to do so but i suppose i was angry at him. However even though nothing serious happend he decided to end the relationship.

Since that night myself and my ex were on and off for at least a year. During this period I was sexualy abused and phsyicaly abused, But still found myself forgiving him for what he had done.

I had failed my first year at uni and went back home to pay off my debt with my parents thinking i had done well. My ex stayed at my university town with his friends and was seeing other people although he has always denied it to me.

During that time i decided i would go back to study, this time a new course at a diffrent uni. It was supposed to be a fresh start for me.

However i soon discovered i was pregnant by my ex and was already 4months gone. I didnt realise because i was so stressed out and was focusing on getting myself together again, even at 4 months i didnt look as though i was pregnant although it did explain my constant tiredness.

I soon told my boyfriend. He was not as shocked as i thought he would be and his first reaction wasnt so good but soon told me he would help me and would even take care of the baby himself if it came to that.

I soon came to study at university where no one new my self or of my family as i didnt want my parents to find out since they were expecting good things. My ex moved back in with his parents as he couldnt afford his flat and said it would be beneficial as he was only half an hour drive away from me.

Neither of us had told our families and were living our lives as they were. At times I would ask my ex to come to see me as i would feel lonely without my friends or family and needed to be around someone I could talk to. These visits became less and some even violent.

Finally I gave birth to a baby boy and hes now 5months old and the cutest baby i ever seen.

A month after the birth of my son my boyfriend soon told his parents what had happend. His parents being religious muslims were quite upset that there eldest son had done such a "bad thing". At the time i wasnt told of this and continued to believe that my ex had sorted out a house so that i could visit and see my son whenever i was able to.

However he soon explained my son was living with his parents and assured me everything was going to work out for the both of us, until he mentioned he would have to be bought up as a muslim and his parents should adopt him as there son. This was too much for me to handle and couldnt believe what i was hearing. I wasnt sure what to do as i was only just managing to look after myself and was wondering how i was going to look after my son on my own as well as work and study at the same time.

I needed time to think so i asked to spend the weekend alone with my son. He agreed since it had been two weeks since i last saw him. however my boyfriend did not arrive with my son and I had been waiting all day i finally got hold hold of him and spoke to him. He explained he was going away with my son to a friends and i should wait a week. I soon found out he was leaving the country for a holiday and that he was also taking my son with him.

I was scared of loosing my son so called the police. A day later i picked him up from my exs parents house accompanied by the police. I took him back to my student home only to realise they had shaved all his hair off.

During the week my ex was abroad with friends i decided to take some action since his parents had threatend to call the social worker as they thought i could not look after my son as well as they had.

A week later my ex arrived only to find a letter from my solicitor expaining i would be legally looking after my son and he will not have that right any more. He would also only be able to see my son every other weekend at specific times if he still wanted any contact.

This worked for under a month until he left to go to pakistan "apparantly to get married. I was not told of his second dissapearing act until i called one of his friends. it has now been 6 weeks since he left and i dont know what the truth is anymore.

I have been living in student halls with my son ever since i got him back and am currently looking for a house. I have one friend who is willing to help me and has already done a great deal for me.

Could you advice me on what you think i should do next? should i tell my parents? Can i still get child support or some form of finacial help with my ex being abroad? Why has my ex chosen to be this way?

thanks
xx

Forget about your ex. He is a jerk. He is never going to be there for you. You made a mistake, learn from it and go on. Yes, get what ever financial help you can, as a single Mom. Yes, tell your parents, but don't let them control you or pressure you into quitting school. Don't accept any guilt trips. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn and go on. If they want to help you and can do so without strings attached, great, let them. Go on with your life and put the past behind you. Don't get involved in any intimate relationships for a long time. Allow yourself to heal and focus on your studies and being a Mom. Your son needs you, your studies need you. Don't open yourself up to being rescued. Set your mind that men are off limits for now. You've got enough to do. Then, later, when you are more stable and established, maybe. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your baby. Get a good education so you can be self-sufficient. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that a man is going to come along and rescue you and your son. Be smart. Finish school and get a good job. Good Luck. Ask for Guru's guidence. GTKK