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| Summary of Question: | Falling In Love |
| Category: | Love & Marriage |
| Date Posted: | Sunday, 12/08/2002 5:44 PM MST |
I have fallen madly in love with someone who lives in another part of Europe. Two hours by plane. We met at University this Summer when we were both studying in a country new to us.
We went back to our homes 4 months ago. I miss him so much. The first month or two I was so hostile towards my family, in a bad mood all the time, quiet, not speaking to them - and none of this was their fault. I was not arguing - they just thought i was sick but was not telling them. They asked me all the time "whats wrong", "do you miss university" etc etc.
The only thing that was bothering me was that I missed him alot.
This is the gist of the 'problem' - I am gay. I think. I dont know why I would be so crazy about him otherwise.
I feel guilty, so lonely, i feel for him, I am angry at him for ever meeting me, Im angry at myself for getting into this situation.
Three months ago, I asked for help from God. I rarely 'ask' for anything. I like to thank God instead. I asked for the power and courage to carry on without him and to break up with him. Each time I tried, it never worked. I wanted him even more and we get even closer.
My main problem is that when I try to pray, I start to cry. I ask for help, i cry and if I pray for him, I cry. I can not even put my hands together without there being a strange feeling in my heart. If I see someone on tv crying, I start - so i have to leave the room. I know this must sound childish - I am 25, and everyone thinks i am untouchable - the type of person that does not ever feel anything or get hurt.
As I write this, at 1am, (and read the question about "How can I solve my problem?") I am crying, non stop tears - just thinking about him and God. I have a big family who love me alot. But Im not thinking of them. Im thinking of him and God. I need one near me all the time. But i havent got anybody. Im here, alone - crying, thinking, hurting, and no one knows about it. Tomorrow morning, everything will be back to normal - the family, work, on the metro, the gym, watching tv, but inside i am crying - I feel as i am screaming 24 hours a day for help but no one is there to listen.
Am I being punished for loving another man? Has God forgotten me? Why do I feel so alone and hurt even when I am approaching God? Doesnt he want to know me? And what exactly is love? Why does it being so much unhappiness and hurt? The most strange is thing is that when I think of him, I think of God ...
xxx
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Sat Siri Akal.
God loves you. First thing. Whatever is happening, however you feel - remember that God is the Doer of everything. And the Guru teaches us to accept everything in His Will.
What is love? Love is the subtle vibration between two souls that bring such joy into each other's lives that both people grow through that joy and that vibration. Love can happen between two people who are sexually attracted to each other. Love can happen between two people who are not sexually attracted to each other. But love is something very subtle, beautiful and infinite.
From a purely spiritual perspective, the Guru teaches us not to get attached to worldy love but rather to play the game of Divine love. What this means is that every relationship you have - the purpose of those relationships is to help you become more aware of your spirit and your purpose. So - we have family, friends, spouses, loved ones. But at the heart of that - God is in each and every heart guiding us, through those relationships, to something Higher.
From a social perspective, you are in a very challenging situation. Indian culture does not look kindly on homosexuality. Yet, you have a strong attraction to this man and there is nothing you can really do about it. The Guru says that everything is the Will of God and so there really isn't any basis in Gurbani for negativity towards homosexuality. But the cultural taboos are very very strong and you have to look at this relationship very carefully. It's asking you to make some difficult choices.
If you choose to pursue this relationship, first and foremost do it consciously and spiritually. As Sikhs, we have a value system that says that we only engage in sexual activity with our spouse. Right now there's no such thing as homosexual marriages in Sikhism. But is your intention to be with this person the rest of your life? Live together? Go through the trials of life together? If it is - then you are going to have to pioneer what it means to be a gay Sikh - living the values of the Sikh life but in a same-sex partnership. If the relationship is not so serious, again - let the Sikh values guide you. Do not stay connected with this person and find ways to contain your sexual energy. Committment is the foundation of a true spiritual relationship and less than committment is only going to lead to pain. So - are you two willing to commit to each other? Find out.
Educate yourself about being gay and about homosexuality. There are a lot of books you can find. But as a Sikh of the Guru - do not fall into the trap of lust that can go with the homosexual culture. Understand yourself. But understand that your values come first and waiting for a life-time partnership is the guiding principle for a Sikh - no matter what gender he or she is attracted to. This guiding principle can save you a lot of pain and confusion.
Most important, remember that worldly love in any form is a Maya. Yes - we do have relationships but they are not our base and our security. It's the play of Divine Love that lasts through all the tests of time and space. Keep doing your prayers and keep crying if you have to. Let your first prayer be to accept what's happening and not fight it. Accept your feeling for him, accept the situation that you're in - there's no guilt, it's all God's Will and then pray for guidance about what the next step needs to be that honors your highest destiny.
God bless you for writing in and may the Guru give you the strength and courage you need to go through this challenge.
All love,
GPK
Falling In Love (12/08/2002)